Forgiveness without Apology

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Claire talks about her past, being a natural-born fighter, and although she hasn't "perfected" forgiveness without an apology, she does take credit for how far she's come.  

She touches on her THOUGHTS that cause her to feel anger, preventing her from forgiving one particular person at this point in time.  

NOT forgiving is a CHOICE.  

Forgiving also doesn't mean CONDONING someone's behavior... it's more about freeing YOU up.  

Whatever you're judging about someone else is something you're not owning about YOU.   

Explore shadow work and thought work from the book links below:

Your THOUGHTS about OTHERS and THEIR behavior is what causes you suffering.  

You get to DECIDE how you want to view a situation!

If you feel stuck and don't know how to stop obsessing over someone else's behavior or feel out of control with your anger, MESSAGE CLAIRE. 

Reckless Infatuation

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Why do we do this?

Cultural pressure.

THINKING it’s what we want even if we’re not ready.

What makes us recklessly infatuated?

Physical chemistry.

Run from an immediate panty-dropper!

There’s usually a painful soul lesson!!

Or what the hell? Show up, feel the pain, and LEARN FROM IT!

Claire references her last reckless infatuation 5 years ago.

NOT HIS FAULT.

It was HER idea of what she wanted out of the relationship and was BLINDED by the physical chemistry off the bat.

GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR WITH ANYONE YOU’RE DATING.

It doesn’t matter how old you are!

Obviously, don't be aggressive about your relationship goals and future right off the bat, but be direct and own what you’re looking for without apology. Ask the right questions! LISTEN to him. Pay attention to his actions.

Manifesting a partner is DIFFERENT. That’s YOUR business in YOUR brain.

Totally have fun visualizing and tapping into how you would think, feel, and behave with your ideal partner, and think about the woman you need to become to attract this high quality man, (not change to win him over, but grow to attract each other at both of your highest vibrational states!)

The WORK WORKS.

Claire then references a more recent dating situation last year… She started to really like him, he liked her. Great chemistry, sense of humor, a lot in common until he said, I want to keep doing what we’re doing but I don’t want to date you.

Disappointing? Yes.

But clear as day that walking away was the RIGHT CHOICE. She wasn’t attached to some fantasy about a future. Was Claire hurt? Yes. But there was no false fantasy she was mourning in the end.

If she was RECKLESSLY INFATUATED she would have continued on his terms bc it felt like dating anyway!

SO HOW DO YOU SHOW UP IN YOUR DATING LIFE WITHOUT GETTING CARRIED AWAY?

TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE!

Is he really SEEING YOU?

Does he want the same things as you?

Are his words lining up with his actions?

Are you letting drinking hinder your perception of the connection you have?

Making greater meaning out of an exchange of words because of alcohol?

EVERYONE SHOULD READ ATOMIC HABITS by James Clear

Where else are you not as present in your dating life?

If your current result is NO PARTNER, how are you thinking, feeling and behaving in your dating life?

Claire is currently looking at her own relationship with alcohol and reflecting on how it has NOT served her dating life, and will be expanding on this topic in future episodes as she embarks on a MODERATE drinking journey vs identifying as a REGULAR drinker.

Always new stones to uncover in this personal growth work to keep expanding and THRIVING!!!

My Heartbreak Story

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This is Claire's FIRST completely unscripted episode, where she shares her raw, honest, and most vulnerable story about her rockbottom heartbreak.

She laughs, she cries, and she intends to bring a comforting reminder to all of you who feel hopeless, at a loss, devastated, and stuck, that not only are you NOT alone, but you can 100% transform your life BECAUSE of this experience.

Life isn't happening to you.  It's happening FOR you. 

I Think I’m Great But Why Doesn’t He?

Who can relate to feeling SO good about yourself because you’re DOING THE WORK and then you attract an amazing man and it’s all lining up in the magical way you dreamed, and then…

He bounces.

On the one hand, you wonder what the hell is the point of doing all this work?

And then on the other hand… you think NO!  It’s HIM!  I’m AMAZING!

HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU THINK THAT LATTER THOUGHT?

Crappy.  Righteous??

Action:  Resist the reality of him leaving

Result:  questioning your own greatness and wanting him back

Brooke Castillo reference:

If someone says you have blue hair, you wouldn’t bother to need him to see that you don’t.  You KNOW that you don’t. 

If you need someone to see your greatness, there’s a part of you that isn’t fully owning it. 

First step:

Feel the disappointment. 

Investigate areas in your life where you don’t feel great—your job?  Your body?  Your home? 

We can’t control the circumstance of him leaving…

We can only look at the thoughts we think about OURSELVES under the circumstances.

This is an opportunity for you to do more work on you… NOT to get the right guy but to keep cleaning up where you’re not fully owning yourself.

Do the work on your greatness for YOU, no matter what. 

Look for evidence as to why HE wasn’t great…

Claire shares a few of her own personal experiences with men who ended it with her, who she quickly realized weren’t her guys.

She clocked a few red flags along the way but stayed open when there was enough good…

HOWEVER these noted red flags made it easy to remember that he WASN’T that great. 

No regrets!   There will always be things we don’t love about our partners so it’s important to stay open as long as there aren’t MAJOR dealbreakers, based on what you’re seeking in a partner. 

OWN YOUR GREATNESS

Who cares if you do all this work and you still haven’t found him??

That’s not the point!

Stepping into vulnerability and your authentic self isn’t meant to be for someone else! 

It’s never about what he thinks.  It’s always about what YOU think of you.  

Why Is It Taking Me SO Long To Get Over Him?

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The shame you’re feeling from others about how long it’s taking you to get over him is really the shame you feel for yourself.

Claire says the first thing you need to do, is OWN how long it’s taking you to heal. 

There’s no pressure or rush to heal!

Instead of looking for ways to STOP her pain, Claire didn’t know she was actually in need of someone to help guide her THROUGH it. 

Attempting to stop the pain only PROLONGS it. 

Claire fully owns that it took her TWO-THREE years to get over

Find a TRUSTED AND RELIABLE PROFESSIONAL to create a safe and compassionate space for you to fall apart, BEFORE you can transform your victim story into a HEROINE STORY… (the best part!)

Don’t give up until you find the right professional to work with!   He or she is out there and if you’re interested in working with Claire, go to

www.clairebyrnecoaching.com/connect

Learning to be ok with NOT being ok and owning how long it takes to heal is huge! 

This doesn’t mean Claire is encouraging you to take 2-3 years to heal!   She didn’t have the tools at the time and knows it would be a quicker process if she knew what she knows now. 

But still, there isn’t a formulaic timeline on how long it “should” take to heal

Even though unhealthy, toxic relationships are tough to move through, so are “healthy” break-ups! 

You mourn what you hoped was possible between the two of you, and just the fact that he was a good person and perhaps fear how hard it will be to find that connection again…

Even WITH the tools, Claire opens up how one break-up took her almost a year to get over after only being with someone for four months.

WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE A BAD THING? 

Who is ANYONE to judge.

She applied the tools—leaned into the pain, went to a therapist, and a coach and used that heartbreak as inspiration to launch her coaching business as a HEARTBREAK COACH.  She didn’t shy away, and she allowed herself to miss this person until she didn’t…all the while doing thoughtwork daily, meditating, and living her life to the fullest. 

Be selective over who you talk about your heartbreak with!!

Don’t indulge your victim story with someone who wants to relate and indulge with you! 

Cultivate your OWN approval of your pain. 

You will waver back and forth between wanting to heal and move forward, and then fall apart.  TOTALLY NORMAL.  HEARTBREAK is NOT a linear process.

Before taking on a client, Claire wants to make sure you’re READY to move forward… if you’re going to keep checking his social media, or beating yourself up for still wanting him back, or continue to be in his business about what HE thinks of you, vs cultivating so much love and focusing on what YOU think of you…

If you do all of the above, OF COURSE it’s going to take longer for you to get over him!!! 

Lots of ways to LOVE on yourself

  • fall apart

  • take a hot bath

  • journal/thoughtwork

  • lean into the pain

  • reiki

  • meditation

  • yoga

  • connect with TRUSTED sister-friends

  • solo movie date.

  • Speak with LOVE to that inner critic! 

Unhealed wounds will manifest in disease or play out in future relationships.  Heal it HEAD ON!

Don’t believe you’re back to square 1 when you feel like it hurts so much after feeling like you were finally turning a corner of healing and moving on!

This is TOTALLY normal!   NO MORE JUDGMENTS ON HOW LONG IT TAKES OR HOW DEEP THE PAIN.

This too shall pass, and KNOW that you’re gonna be a better woman FOR all this work you’re doing on yourself!

Why Would He Do That To Me?

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Just when you think you’re gonna SHOCK Claire with your heartbreak story, newsflash—she’s heard it all.

Benching—keeping someone on the sidelines as back-up in your dating life, who you check in with once in a while

Zombie-ing-- when the ghoster comes back from the DEAD! (Claire’s fave)

Orbiting—when your ex lurks on your social media but doesn’t directly reach out

It’s amazing how much DRAMA the mind can create from a little orbiting or zombie-ing action—especially when residual feelings resurface or they never died down in the first place.

MAKE IT MATH, NOT DRAMA.

Keep it simple when the mind wants to create a lot of story that isn’t serving you.

What was the RESULT Claire wanted when asking the question:

WHY would her ex (who isn’t following her and who broke it off with her) ORBIT her on Instagram?

FOUR OPTIONS on how to handle it:
1) let go of needing to know the meaning
2) decide an empowered meaning behind it
3) BLOCK HIM
4) Directly ask him

If you were to reach out, MAKE SURE your thoughts and feelings are in alignment with your HIGHEST SELF. Same with BLOCKING him.

The ACTION is to reach out or BLOCK but the thoughts and feelings always come BEFORE the action.

If you’re reaching out in a defensive or attacking manner, how will it serve you or him?

(hint: it won’t!)

But any action from a place of love and compassion for yourself and the other person, will always keep you grounded and clear in the thick of the vulnerability.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? Is a maddening question to ASK!

THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CHOOSE OPTION 4

If you were in any form of an abusive relationship, HARD NO, on reaching out.

Put the focus BACK on yourself and move forward… in fact, if it was an abusive relationship, he should be BLOCKED on all levels…phone, email, and all social media.

What if you believed NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING TO YOU?!

The personal meaning you’re making out of his behavior is causing you pain.

Instead ask,

Why are YOU doing this to YOU?

Getting caught up in his business, what he’s up to, who he’s with, why he’s saying or doing whatever it is with regards to you… Notice all the mind drama YOU are creating.

Don’t worry about WHY you’re caught up in all the pain… that will keep you MIRED in the heartbreak.

NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.

You care about him. You want him back. You just do. OWN it. No shame or judgment on yourself. MATH. NOT DRAMA.

Wanting to know why or how he could behave a certain way is totally normal and human, but it’s also a tricky question to indulge if you really want to commit to MOVING ON AND STOPPING WANTING HIM BACK.

Bottom line—the heartbreak happened. It can’t unhappen.

When you argue with reality, you suffer- Byron Katie.

If you’re not going to ask him WHY, try committing to the belief that WHY he did what he did DOESN’T MATTER

The more you are in judgment, the longer you suffer

Byron Katie: Who would you be without the thought?

Work, family, friends, mental health, physical health.

Give all the love you’re seeking from him, BACK TO YOU!

All I Want is for Him to Come Back

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Feel the fear and resistance of trying my approach

Your brain is way more comfortable longing for him, but if you stay open to my tools this will for sure help you STOP wanting him back.

Totally normal to NOT want to hear that you’ve dodged a bullet or want to punch someone when they say “this might be the best thing that ever happened to you!” when you’re in the thick of your pain.

I was there! But I pushed healing opportunities away because I was more attached to my victim story than my heroine story.

You’re ready when you’re ready BUT being on the other side of it, I strongly encourage you to stay open to these tools.

My healing path unfolded the way it did at the perfect time, but if you’re interested in healing a lot quicker, try what I’m offering if you want to stop wanting him back,

Trust that what I’m offering here works—it’s a practice, and a COMMITMENT to start believing that you don’t need him or ANY man to feel better.

WANTING HIM TO COME BACK is a THOUGHT.

PAIN ISN’T A BAD THING. It’s a PART OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Think of other things you THOUGHT you wanted but now no longer do…

Like all the other dudes you’re now over. THEY didn’t change. Your THINKING about them did.

Time, space, or some guy replacing isn’t the answer!

THOUGHTS AREN’T FACTS!

Thoughts CREATE results.

If you want different results – think DIFFERENT thoughts.

When you think ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO COME BACK… you FEEL sad, anxious, rejected.

Then your ACTION from that FEELING place causes you to stalk his social media and let him consume your mind and aren’t PRESENT in the other areas of your life, and then your RESULT is that YOU STILL WANT HIM BACK.

OF COURSE we want to allow for time to grieve when we lose someone we love and you should CONSCIOUSLY grieve. Cry it out, lean on loved ones, talk to a trusted professional.

But then you have a CHOICE to decide if you want to indulge the pain or COMMIT to move forward with SHIFTING YOUR THINKING.

If the RESULT you want is to STOP wanting him back then you have to STOP THINKING that you DO!

“I can’t help it” doesn’t cut it!

DECIDE you want to change.

Him not coming back isn’t causing pain.

Your THOUGHTS about him not coming back are causing pain.

How do you WANT TO FEEL about him being gone?

WHEN YOU ARGUE WITH REALITY, YOU SUFFER. –Byron Katie

BETTER-FEELING THOUGHTS about your NEUTRAL CIRCUMSTANCE that he’s not coming back
His behavior says a lot more about HIM, than it does about me.
I’m a REALLY good partner—not perfect, but I’m proud of how I showed up.
I’m willing to take responsibility for my part, without shaming myself but loving myself even more, when I MOST need it.
My person is out there!
I’m worthy of a healthy relationship where unconditional love is reciprocated
I will love myself whole-heartedly on my search for love.

ACTION
Thoughtwork every day around circumstances my mind wants to create drama around
Quit social media stalking.

HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGE? MAKE TIME!
It’s uncomfortable stopping social media stalking but if you’re mission is to get over him you have to start thinking and feeling like the woman who has already moved on!

Commitment to getting over him has to be stronger than your commitment to keeping tabs of him!