The other day, I attempted what I thought was a charming but self-deprecating intro on Bumble with an attractive but somewhat douchey looking dude I matched with, who’s name will not be concealed:
“Hi Lee:) I’ll insert the generic first-liner: How’s your weekend going?“
Lee’s response: TRY HARDER.
My response: Naaaaaa.
Lee: Insert generic goodbye.
And in a few weeks, I’ll be attending a wedding where I’m dateless...
In fact, now that I think about it, it might be EIGHT YEARS since I actually had a DATE to a wedding.
(calm down. I’ve been in relationships over the last 8 years, but none where we attended a wedding together.)
Notice that all of the above pieces of information are FACTS about my life.
I haven’t offered ONE THOUGHT about these NEUTRAL TRUTHS.
And I’d imagine that if someone who’s never read my posts were to read this one for the first time, they’d think I’m about to embark on a SOB STORY.
But here’s the thing:
I was STRUCK by a heartbroken client this past week who said how “jealous” she was that other people didn’t have to go through what she was experiencing.
PROPS to her for being so vulnerable and honest, but I’ve been doing this work for way too long to fall into the trap of her story that other people don’t have to go through what she’s going through.
I notice with a majority of my single clients and friends, there’s an automatic deep-rooted belief that the people who are married with kids have the last desirable box checked off in life, and if only THEY COULD MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR THEMSELVES, their world would be a much happier, peaceful and settled place to live in.
When I point this out, almost everyone says, “No! I know marriage is work and you never know if your kids might have problems, etc…”
But let’s just stick with the AUTOMATIC belief that appears to FEEL VERY REAL AND TRUE for a lot of single people out there, because if we haven’t met yet, I 100% believe that YOUR THOUGHTS CREATE YOUR REALITY.
So if you keep THINKING other people have what I want, you’ll continue to play that out in your life— always feeling “less than” as you cheer your loved ones on from the sidelines.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I DID THIS FOR WAY TOO FECKIN’ LONG!
I always felt I had friends who were prettier, thinner, richer, happier, more successful, and in enviable relationships throughout my teenaged years, 20’s, and into my early 30’s.
And I was REALLY good at playing the victim story to support my beliefs as TRUTHS.
Until I DECIDED that all these beliefs were FUCKING me UP. They weren’t FACTS about my life.
(obviously I accomplished these new beliefs through a daily committed practice under the guidance of brilliant coaches)
Today, I think, HELL YEAH I’m going to a wedding in two weeks, TOTALLY SINGLE!
That is my CIRCUMSTANCE, people. I can CHOOSE thoughts that embrace the F out of it, or choose thoughts that tear me down:
I get to get away by MYSELF after doing more talking than even this chatterbox thinks she can handle! I have a GORGE new dress I can’t wait to rock out in! I get to celebrate the love and happiness of a friend who I shared a narcissistic sociopathic boyfriend with, (unbeknownst to US) and now we are bonded like sisters… Never in a million years did Victoria and I think I’d be attending her wedding. It’s going to be MAGICAL.
Don’t let society, your mom, or your biological clock decide THAT YOU SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE RIGHT NOW.
If you SHOULD, you already would be!
So instead of looking for someone to love the fuck out of you, why not start loving the FUCK OUT OF YOURSELF?!
I often hear in response to a question like this, “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!”
I was in that “confused space” for a long time until it was pointed out that “I don’t know” is a CHOICE.
What I know is that I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH ALL THAT IS IN MY LIFE.
I look for evidence and CLOCK 10 things at the end of my day that made me happy.
I love what I do. I love the friend that I am. I love my emotional intelligence. I love my ability to say no. I love the boundaries I implement with my loved ones. I love my dorky Irish humor inherited by my dorky Irish dad. I love the life I’ve cultivated in LA. I love that I still audition for fun roles and finally think I’m really good at acting! I love what I’ve made of my business in the last three months. I love the catch that I think I am, EVEN WITHOUT A GUY IN MY LIFE. I love that I finally love what I see in the mirror and my ability to be kind to myself when my muffin top gets a little bigger than I’d prefer. I love all the ways I take care of myself and when I fall off the wagon, I immediately get back on without shaming myself.
And I LOVE that I COMMIT TO THIS BLOG EVERY WEEK, EVEN WHEN I GET CRICKETS IN RETURN!
OMG, all the FEELS that I FEEL WRITING ALL OF THE ABOVE!!
This doesn’t mean I don’t want to meet Mr. Right. I would love him to have arrived YESTERDAY.
But if he isn’t here, I refuse to allow that circumstance to dictate level of happiness.
My life is too full, too fun, and too rich to focus on what ISN’T IN IT.
And I feel most CONFIDENT that when I stay in this space, he is much closer to me than what I could possibly know!
You’ve heard it a million times— everything you’re seeking outside of yourself is ALREADY WITHIN.
Love your unique individual journey for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS and WHERE YOU ARE.
Stop giving energy to the people who have what you want or who don’t want to be with you, and start giving it to yourself.
It all starts with your MIND.
It isn’t about getting on a 10th dating app, or making yourself thinner, or rectifying a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to continue seeing you.
It’s about self-compassion, forgiveness and love. ALWAYS.
I’ve shared this a million times…
If I HADN’T experienced that abusive relationship 8 years ago, I NEVER would have done the work on myself. I would have continued to look to someone else to make me happy. I never would be the quality friend that I pride myself on being today. And I never would have become a freakin’ LIFE COACH!
I CAN SAFELY SAY that despite not condoning my abusive ex’s behavior, it was STILL THE BEST LESSON OF MY LIFE TO DATE!
What if you DECIDED that your heartbreak was/is the BEST thing that ever happened to you???
What if it is an invitation to wake you the F up, grab your life by the balls and become the most self-owned badass boss babe EVER???
You GET TO DECIDE IT IS!!!
This doesn’t mean we don’t consciously grieve the pain of a loss.
But it DOES mean we get to make a transformational meaning out of it, verses a victim-y one.
“Victim-y” isn’t a word.
But I’m gonna love myself for creating it ANYWAY:)
Happy Non-Victim-y Claire Your Mind Monday.
ONE. SPOT. LEFT for my 1:1 coaching program. Doors close October 1st until further notice.
I’m not bullshitting you to twist your arm, so if you want to start loving the shite out of yourself and your life, email me for your FREE 1 hour CONSULTATION THIS WEEK!